Top 10 things never spoken before by a hockey player.

Thanks to David Letterman and the New York Rangers, Wednesday’s topic was “top-10 things never spoken before by a hockey player.”


Here’s what they had to say:

10 Donald Brashear: “Instead of fighting, why don’t we work things out over brunch.”
9 Dan Girardi: “Between you and me, I have no idea what the hell icing is.”
8 Marian Gaborik: “What this team needs is a skating kitty.”
7 Brandon Dubinsky: “I really wish these fans would watch their language.”
6 Chris Drury: “High scorer gets to pick which Barbra Streisand CD we listen to on the bus.”
5 Marc Staal: “Forget all the goals and the awards, Gordie Howe has one nice looking butt.”
4 Christopher Higgins: “For good luck, I lick the puck.”
3 Ryan Callahan: “My real dream is to work at an insurance company.”
2 Henrik Lundqvist: “Who can concentrate on hockey when Jennifer Aniston still hasn’t found love.”
1 Sean Avery: “I wish Letterman was on at 10.”

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Top Ten Signs A Baseball Player Is Cheating

Top Ten Signs A Baseball Player Is Cheating as per David Letterman.

10) Tested positive for uranium

9) Always asking fans for clean urine

8) After each win, receives congratulatory phone call from Balco founder Victor Conte

7) Name on back of his uniform is "Bonds"

6) You can find him in the club house corking himself

5) Distracts opponents by throwing out the frozen head of Ted Williams

4) Somehow got 3 RBI's during the seventh-inning stretch

3) You haven't seen someone with that much Vaseline on them since the last Paris Hilton video

2) Pete Rose called him a disgrace to the game

1) His nickname is "Needle Ass"


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Top Ten Things That Went Through Mark Buehrle's Mind During His Perfect Game

Top Ten Things That Went Through Mark Buehrle's Mind During His Perfect Game courtesy of David Letterman.


10) I did it! I did it! Oh, wait, it's only the fourth inning

9) If this doesn't get Kate Hudson to notice me, nothing will

8) Too bad I'm not on my own fantasy team

7) My brother-in-law bowled a perfect game

6) (Josh Field, Dewayne Wise) We're going to Disneyworld! (Mark Buehrle) And I'm running for governor of Alaska

5) Did I remember to TiVo "So You Think You Can Dance"?

4) I'm leaving after the 7th inning to beat the traffic

3) Should I shave my back?

2) Sunflower seed... lodged in my windpipe... get help!

1) Maybe I'll give up one hit so I don't have to appear on Letterman


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Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig

Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig as per David Letterman.




10)Only guy in Milwaukee who's never had a beer

9) Once told Martha Stewart to unload her Montreal Expos stock

8) Went to Las Vegas a couple days ago and put 10 grand on "tie"

7) Eats rosin bags like they're peanuts

6) Won't stop sending flowers to Mike Piazza

5) Has actually sat through a Washington Nationals game

4) His nude seventh inning stretches were sort of funny the first couple of times

3) Refuses to recognize Ted Williams as top cryogenically-frozen ball player of all time

2) Wife keeps complaining about "contraction," if you know what I mean

1) Throws like a girl

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Top Ten signs that a baseball player is on steroids

Letterman's top ten signs that a baseball player is on the juice.

10. This year he broke the home run record, last year he was a cellist
9. Only signs autographs in exchange for clean urine sample.
8. Requests salary be paid in Balco gift certificates.
7. That guy who looks like the Philly Phanatic is actually your shortstop
6. Whenever team wins, dumps tub of Creatine on manager
5. Exhibits erratic behavior like chewing on foul pole
4. Can spit sunflower seeds 95 miles per hour
3. Rush Limbaugh points at him and says, "That dude's messed up"
2. George Steinbrenner is scared of him
1. Makes Schwarzenegger look like Carrot Top

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Top Ten complaints of the average baseball player.

Top Ten Complaints Of The Average Baseball Player, courtesy of David Letterman.

10. Medical plan does not cover cryogenics
9. It's the grueling 3-hour work day
8. Beer vendor seldom makes it to the dugout
7. Being called "out" is a crippling blow to one's self esteem
6. A certain percentage of us have to play for the Nationals
5. Mitt hand doesn't get any sun
4. It's 2002 and we still have to endure tiresome "We Will Rock You"
3. When a beach ball comes on the field, we want to keep it
2. People think strike is about money, when it's actually about a boatload of money
1. "I think Mike Piazza's checking me out"

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Top Ten least popular snacks sold at baseball games.

The Top Ten least popular snacks sold at baseball games, courtesy of David Letterman.

10. Darryl Strawberry's Crack Jacks.
9. Dugout Oysters.
8. Brent Musburgers.
7. Caramel-coated Bullpen Sweepin's.
6. Big League Spew.
5. Ted Turner Mustache Crisps.
4. Foul McNuggets.
3. Steinbrenner's-In-A-Basket.
2. Sandy Alomar Malomars.
1. Athletic Cup-cakes

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Top Ten Signs You're Not Watching A Real Baseball Team

Top Ten Signs You're Not Watching A Real Baseball Team, courtesy of David Letterman.


10. You recognize batter as the kid who just sold you a hot dog.
9. Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.
8. They keep shouting "do over!"
7. When umpire yells, "strike three," batter looks at him as if the dude's speakin' French.
6. Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals.
5. First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.
4. Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "dinner time!"
3. Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.
2. You overhear the coach yelling, "run Forrest, run!"
1. They play like the Mets.

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Top Ten Proposed New Baseball Rules

Top Ten Proposed New Baseball Rules, courtesy of David Letterman.

10. New rule: catch a foul ball, win the salary of the guy who hit it.
9. All players must squat like catcher for entire game.
8. Remember Babe Ruth? Well, how about some more of them ball playin' fat dudes?
7. Instead of the National Anthem, sing "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" before every game.
6. Players can't do drugs unless they bring enough to go around.
5. At the end of bat night, fans get to beat the crap out of home team.
4. For just $3 over the regular ticket price, you get to "do it" with the Philly Phanatic.
3. Every time a player grabs himself you hear a slide whistle.
2. Buy a ticket to a Mets game - get a free ticket to a Mets trial!
1. 9 players, 8 uniforms.

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Top 10 Least Popular Attractions at the Baseball Hall of Fame

Top 10 Least Popular Attractions at the Baseball Hall of Fame courtesy of David Letterman.

10. Animatronic Albert Belle that grabs himself.
9. The hall of pitchers who threw like girls.
8. Diorama of insect parts found in stadium hot dogs.
7. Babe Ruth's partially-eaten baseball glove.
6. Bus ticket to Columbus autographed by Hideki Irabu.
5. Wishing well filled with Steve Howe urine samples.
4. Titanium dugout bench built for Cecil Fielder.
3. 1968 photo showing how Gaylord Perry got his nickname.
2. The Louisville Slugger that Kathie Lee used on Frank.
1. Tobacco spit flume ride.

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Have a great day!

Top 10 Best Things about playing baseball in New York City

In honor of our Yankees pick today, and courtesy of David Letterman, here are the 10 Best things about playing baseball in New York City!

10. If a ball gets hit out of the ballpark and breaks a car window, hey it's just another busted car window.
9. Free bus fumes while you work out.
8. Opposing players in a state of shock after a cab ride to the stadium.
7. Vendors selling corked hot dogs.
6. New York has the nation's most affordable bail bondsmen.
5. Plenty of spit for spitballs.
4. After the game, if you don't take a shower, everyone just assumes it's the city that stinks.
3. The greatest fans in the world always shouting, 'Mets suck!'
2. Knowing that if we ever got to the 7th game of the World Series, that with one phone call,
we could get the opposing pitcher whacked.
1. Two words: Rat Night.


Have a great day!